A Conversation with James

James
Hello.
I am in the process of letting people know that I have left Theravada. It's the Aspergers expressing itself and it is compelling me to be very thorough in my decision.
 No more chance of bumping into me & mine at Vesak.
If you are remotely interested in the gory details, then the blogs below will sate that interest.
I liked you as a person and always thought that you treated me with a kindness that very few at the BSV ever did.
Live well James.
Russell

Hi Russell,

                Trust you and all your loved ones are well and happy. Didn’t know you had Aspergers not that it changes anything. Have made a start reading your blogs. I agree that Theravadin Buddhists a uber conservative and judgemental and not very compassionate. I have read an interesting book on Tantric practices “The Jewel in the Lotus” by Sunyata Sarawati and Bodhi Avinasha. They describe celibate monastics as dried up husks devoid of life which seems to be fairly accurate to me. I am interested to know if you have joined a Tantric Group or are pursuing your practice on your own. I haven’t had the opportunity to read all of your blog as yet but what I have read is most compelling and dare I say very well written.

Wish you all the best

Regards

James

"If you are fully in control, then you aren't going fast enough"

Mario Andretti
 James
Thank-you for your interesting and compassionate response. We are at the moment practising/studying Tantra by ourselves. We've bought a very good introduction "The Everything Tantric Sex Book". Basically I am still practising Metta and Theravada just is too shallow in its teachings. The moment you want to "tweak" things you are shown the door. I want to explore Metta and physical fitness, Metta and a sexual relationship etc., Also I am simply a loud person. I struggled with the repression and denial in Theravada. The Vipassana movement of boring drones watching every thought and emotion...and never rejoicing in any of them simply isn't me. Also the hypocrisy and politics of Theravada just kills any interest or acceptance that those who profess it have any idea of what they preach. The way that Selina and I were treated was bordering on the appalling. My decision to end a failing/failed marriage was treated almost as a crime by people who had no stake, emotional or otherwise in that marriage. I waited for the outbreak of Mudita towards me finally being happy....I'm still waiting. Our Engagement notice in the BSV newsletter quite literally didn't result in one person congratulating us. We were at the BSV for Vesak this year...and the hostility was almost palpable. They didn't want us there.

The Tantric teaching that we are all manifestations of the Divine and should be treated as such is very much in tune with Metta. And there isn't a mentally healthy person alive who will not welcome being treated with gentleness and a reverence for the inherent good in them. The great sex is simply one aspect of the Path...mind you neither Selina or I are complaining about the results of what we are learning. Being reduced to a whimpering, panting, mindless blob of pure pleasure is not something we will find fault in, nor the deep sense of fulfilment and the glow that doesn't seem to fade. Equally important is the dressing well...thank God for the Op Shops of Chapel Street....grooming, and making your physical environment beautiful...Nasturtiums, God bless them, flower year round. The house and the meditation area in particular is now a place of light and happiness. There is also a deep reverence for nourishing all aspects of ourselves as people. So you will find that I have lost 10 kg since July, that Khalil Gibran and Rumi are being read. There is a wholistic approach to Tantra that I like. If I can use bliss resulting from union to power my Metta then I will. In the mean time there is the cultivation of gentleness and beauty. We found that book on Amazon and it looks very interesting.

The celibate monastics that I know and have known, I think are "dried up husks" and a good many of them are equipped with bad attitudes. Gratitude is a vanishingly rare species in that crowd. There is a demand that they are supported...and that man in Kallista (see above photo)  has the worst of attitudes. He bitches and moans about having to do the bare minimum and expects Lay people who he talks about with open contempt to support him. When you express an interest in ordaining, these people drop their guards and I heard a lot of stuff that didn't edify me at all. Mind you, Ajahn Brahm has fallen in love with the arse polishing that comes with what I consider to be a growing personality cult. Mention parenthood as a valid expression of the Path to that one and you can expect to have your opinions dismissed out of hand. Unless you prostrate yourself and praise the Great Guru Ajahn Brahm, then there isn't a lot of interest in you. And if Jeffrey Tan doesn't die from the amount of arse kissing that happens at Bodhivana every time there is an event, then he most likely will die from a gross enlargement of the ego. Lets hope that boy doesn't go out in the rain much....the weight of all those tickets he's placed on himself getting wet would be dangerous.

The Aspergers was diagnosed in March...a week or two after I began Uni. We had our suspicions and I met someone in the Mature Age and Part Time Students Lounge who used to be a Psychiatrist and worked with Aspergers. Little things like having trouble with reading clocks with hands, the bluntness that I was apparently notorious for, the love of routine and the memory are all Aspergers. When we researched Aspergers basically all the dots connected. I had my answers. I came across a quote by an Aspie (as we are called) "If you concentrate on fixing your weaknesses you will only become less disabled. If you strengthen where you are already strong, you will become remarkable." I consider Aspergers a positive...now that I know why I'm different. No need to be cured.

We leave for Singapore on Saturday for 10 weeks in S.E Asia. Monash Uni expects you to visit the country of the language you are studying and for me that is Indonesia. You can imagine my irritation when having told someone at Bodhivana that I was studying Indonesian at Monash Uni, that they immediately discounted it as me doing a language course...it's a Bachelor of Arts that I'm studying with 2 majors...Indonesian and Asian Studies....bit of a difference

This has turned into quite the magnum opus. Selina and Ariel are well. Ariel is a very loud, healthy, happy little boy. Selina is hopefully studying for a Masters in Education next year.

With Metta:
Russell

Leaving Theravada

No photo for this post.

This is simply me putting down the reasons why after almost 24 years I've finally called it a day on self identifying as a Theravadin Buddhist.

I helped a lot at the Buddhist Society of Victoria in the almost 20 years I attended that temple. Never made it onto the Committee despite my helping in some very crucial ways. My contacts within the Theravadin Bhikkhu and Bhikkhuni Sangha are still being used by the BSV. But help I did.

The crunch came, I guess, when I ended my marriage to my first wife. I was growing frustrated at not being allowed onto the Committee...people I had never seen before were being selected .I now realise that the Committee like almost everything else at that dysfunctional temple is a clique. Members are never  elected to that committee, they are selected according to the politics of the time. The BSV is almost mind numbingly conservative and unless you very much fit the mold of never taking a risk and never actually displaying a personality...let alone a troubled, unhappy one like I had, then you are never chosen by the unelected elite at that temple who are Sinhalese and in my experience don't actually practice Dhamma. For them, the BSV is a way of gaining social points and status.

In mid 2008 I show up at the BSV after a 6 month absence holding hands with Selina. You can imagine the reaction to the news that I had ended my marriage of 20 years to Seesee and my new love interest was a woman of 19. Snide remarks were made...."Is this your daughter?"

We were simply never accepted. An Engagement notice in the newsletter was met with silence...not one person came and congratulated us. News that Selina was pregnant was also met with silence.

By this time...a year after I had introduced Selina to the BSV, I was getting very tired of the behaviour. I was sent an e-mail by one person stating categorically that I would end up regretting leaving  marriage to Seesee and that I would be hurt by Selina sooner rather than later. It also contained the observation that Selina was simply an indication that I was in the midst of a midlife crisis and I should be grateful I was too poor to buy a Ferrari.

We left the BSV at the end of June 09. Selina miscarried on August 1. No words of condolences from the BSV...despite my trying to maintain friendships with people on the Committee.


We stayed away from all Theravadin temples for the next year. Ariel was born on May 17 2010. He had been conceived at the end of August. We went to Kathina at Bodhivana Monastery outside Warburton. Politely ignored is perhaps the best way to describe things.

During this time the conflict between Ajahn Brahm and the Wat Pa Pong Sangha breaks lose over Ajahn Brahm ordaining Bhikkhuni. I engage in the debate and then lose interest.

I continued with my Metta practice. One of the nicer aspects of Aspergers is the need for routine.
Nothing was happening in my practice. Pleasant but static. Vesak at the BSV is attended. No out pourings of friendship. It is however made obvious that the good people at the BSV are still trying desperately to fit me into the pigeon hole they had assigned me. This is despite the clear changes in me as a person and my new roles as both a father and a university student. We offer dana to Ajahn Achalo during his visit to the BSV in June. Mixed experience. No great connection. He is however appallingly rude to me and treats me like I'm mentally challenged. Apparently  someone having Aspergers means that you can talk to them like they have an IQ in the mid 80's.

I went to Ajahn Brahms monastery in June - July of this year for 2 weeks. Meditated a lot, had some insights, some pleasant meditations, but nothing magical. Completely unimpressed with the monks in Bodhinyana. Came home and decided to lose weight. I've lost 10 kg in 6 months. Metta is still not going anywhere.

Feeling progressively disconnected from Theravada.

The moment of truth came when Selina and I decided to explore Tantra. We read a little and to be completely honest some Tantric intimacy did happen. My meditation and indeed myself the next morning are different. I read more and learn that Tantric principles are very much what I am interested in. I can see where a stalled Metta practice can benefit from Tantra. With no reasons to continue trying to revive a stalled Metta practice using Theravadin methods, I embrace Tantra.

Tantra to me is completely natural. It is logical. It occupies an ethical position that I can understand. It allows you to be loudly joyous. It also encourages you to take great care with your environment both inner and outer. As part of Tantra I am encouraged to take great care with my body and to treat it as sacred. I am encouraged to pursue the gentle in this life. As a male I am encouraged to cultivate the feminine in me. I am also encouraged to worship the people around me and to see the inherent goodness in them.

I can fill my life with the beautiful. I can become beautiful. So now my meditation room has been remodelled and is now a place of colour and light and music. Yes Tantra will be practised there. Tantra will be practised by me in all places. Tantric sex is simply a part of the practice. It occupies the same place as flowers and incense on the altar. Now through massage and touch and yes, sex, I can become deeply connected with people and the universe we inhabit.

Tantra is the logical extension and goal of Metta. To love all beings, to have no sense of separation, to embrace the joyous.

With Theravada being  simply not suited for someone such as I, the only place for me to go was out. I tried for 24 years to make Theravada work for me. It can't, I'm not the personality that is suited to Theravada. There is no anger in me towards Theravada. It was a part of this lifetime and it has ended. I'm in the midst of a major life change and no longer see thing to be angry with when things come to an end. The chapter of my life that was the marriage to Seesee Chan has come to an end. A new chapter has begun.

Welcome my friends. How may we cultivate the very best in each other?

Tantrayana

I/ We have embraced Tantra. It's a simple announcement. I/We am/are now someone who studies Tantra. I/We have left behind Theravada.

To myself as a long term practitioner of Metta, Tantra is the logical extension of that practice.  Tantra is the logical extension of Metta because in Tantra we treat all beings as sacred and worthy of respect, kind words and actions and as manifestations of The Sacred. In rejoicing in this, I abide in a state of being that is Metta. Tantra is a vehicle and expression of deep acts of kindness.

At the present time my understanding of Tantra is that it is a worship and experience of the Divine. the Sacred in ourselves and others. Thus I worship my wife, I see and take joy in the goodness in her. I take the time to give her  gentle, tender, loving thoughts, words and deeds. I have the position of worshipping her. I take the time to bring out her best and to take joy in that. Thus I actively want, as part of my practice to fill her world with beauty and happiness. Rather than reading the latest awful thing from the newspaper, I, as part of worshipping her, read her Khalil Gibran or Rumi or Ryokan. I understand her taste in Classical music and fill the house with Albinoni's Adagio. I randomly embrace her, kiss her and tell her that she is loved.

When it comes to the sexual aspect, I take and rejoice in the time to massage her, to touch her gently, to awaken the energy in her, to bring her into a deep contact with her own body, I worship each and every part of her body and give them worship in the form of kisses, loving words and gentle touch, giving her intense pleasure along the way. This pleasure is an expression of the Divinity, The Sacred within all of us.

I give her my complete attention. My mind is firmly in the present. My wifes body is the incarnation of The Divine. Thus whilst I touch her in gentle, loving ways, I also speak in those same ways. I call her "Goddess" and tell her that I am worshipping her. I tell her that she is beautiful. This has caused an intense joy, a deep contentment, the deepest of this lifetime to arise in me.

When union happens, I call on and recognise the presence of The Goddess. Invoking The Goddess during these moments deepens the pleasure. By the time union happens we have both spent time worshipping The God and The Goddess. Our bodies are awake and sensitised to the moment. We have spent an hour or more touching and speaking in loving, gentle ways. We invoke The Goddess and The God. The result has been deep.

However there is much, much more to this than just another way to get our rocks off...even if we do want to clothe it in something resembling the sacred.

If I am the embodiment of The Sacred, a form of The God, then I have to treat this body better. To fill the body with pollutants is to offer them to The Sacred. I have to offer the best nutrition, exercise, rest and sacred spaces. This means to eat properly, to maintain a healthy weight and to exercise regularly. To cut down on the consumption of meat, alcohol and caffeine.

Understanding that those with whom we join are also manifestations of The Goddess and The God...as everyone is...is to understand that we are obliged to offer them beauty. Our bodies must be beautiful. A beautiful body is one that is healthy and fit. Embellishments such as tattoo's and piercings are not necessary.

Offering those we join with beauty is also to offer them beauty in the forms of our speech, touch and attitudes. If we approach them from the position of worshipping them and part of that worship is to give them pleasure, then we are already in the proper frame of mind for Tantra. Everything is Tantra and everyone is a manifestation of The Sacred, the inherently good.

With this as our approach it is easy to see where I view Tantra as an extension of my Metta practice. I have no regrets about the 23 years I spent as a Theravadin. They were valuable and useful years. I have left Theravada because the approach is too narrow and the divide between what is taught and what is practised too wide.

 If, celibacy is an option for you, then do not criticise and belittle the sexually active. If leading a celibate monastic life is your choice, then do not devalue the life of the normal person...we feed you and pay your bills.

Theravada in the Lay arena is a joy free zone. It is stiflingly conservative and utterly devoid of imagination. There is no allowance for difference. I am an Aspergers, I will never fit the template that makes a Theravadin. I am loud, happy and larger than life. I am different and now well beyond all need to apologise for that difference,

My practice is Metta, my vehicle and expression is Tantra.

The Third Training

Without offering insights into my own personal life, I will use this entry to explore the Third Training or Precept of Theravada Buddhism. The Third Training is the one dealing with Sexual Matters. Generally it is translated as “I undertake the training  to refrain from sexual misconduct”. This is frequently understood as being an oath of monogamy. However when you look at it properly, it isn’t, in fact monogamy is one of the last things that this Training deals with.

It’s o.k. I’ll give you all a moment to pick yourselves up off the floor and to close your mouths. The Third Training talks about sexual responsibility and sexual responsibility and monogamy are not the same thing . There is a lot of talk about not having sexual relations with people who are either too young or impaired to consent to them in an adult manner. When it comes to not having sex with people under the care of their parents, I understand this to mean that it isn’t o.k. to have intercourse with, for example, someone with Downs Syndrome or a psychiatric illness or a minor, which in the Buddha's time meant a girl or woman who had not yet begun to have menses. There is the acceptance that these people lack the capacity to properly think things through and are thus incapable of making sexual decisions. 

For the rest of us the Third Training can give us a great deal of freedom in sexual matters. Homosexuality in any form is not mentioned in the Theravada Sutta's. So you can look for, and not find, prohibitions against homosexuality, lesbianism and bisexuality. The Buddha had the good sense to stay out of peoples bedrooms.

The main issue of contention is one of knowledge and consent. Sexual misconduct to me is lying, having affairs or denying sexual activity in a marriage. I remember my ex-wife coming home from work one day and she was quite outraged. A work colleague had remarked that monogamous and good weren't necessarily the same thing in marriage. For my ex, they were synonymous. For me they never have been. I can see where a monogamous husband or wife could treat their spouse absolutely horridly and never once look at another person sexually. I can also see where a husband or wife could be extremely promiscuous and make their spouse glow with happiness every day.

When my first marriage was dying, sexual activity began to falter. I complained bitterly that my ex-wife was engaging in sexual misconduct by not meeting my sexual needs. She began to deny me sex. Marriage is by legal definition a sexual thing. When you file for divorce one of the very first things they ask you is how long has it been since you had sex with the person you want to divorce. It is a legal fact that in order to get a divorce that you have had to have ceased sexual activity with your spouse for a minimum of a year. So in giving me either no or eye wateringly unsatisfying sex, my ex was engaging in sexual misconduct. Even Ajahn Brahm agreed with this.

The other side of the coin is knowing and consenting to a sexually free marriage. Selina is bisexual. No news in that. I have no problem with her expressing this aspect of herself. So in engaging in sexual activity with women there is no sexual misconduct happening for Selina. I want my wife to be happy and to force her to deny this aspect of herself, would be for me to engage in sexual misconduct in that I knew she was attracted sexually to women when we married and knew that she wanted to explore that attraction. I married her knowing that sooner rather than later she would want to get her clothes off with another woman. I would rather she explored her sexuality from the safety of the marriage than feel that she had to explore it in secret and thus lie to cover the times and places where she was engaging in that exploration.

Once a consent and boundaries for that consent are established, there is no sexual misconduct whilst those boundaries are respected. People do establish consents where they allow the spouse outside sexual activity during, for example, pregnancy. Selina offered this whilst she was pregnant with our son. She knew my libido and understood that there was a very real possibility that towards the end of the pregnancy that she would be unable to satisfy my needs. 

Some, such as Swingers are only too happy to consent to their spouses engaging in multiple sexual partners whilst at a Swinging Party. The boundary of that consent is that condoms are used and the consent ends with the party. Some Swingers never set foot near a party and are happy to swap partners in more intimate environments. The consent is "so long as I share in the sexual activity, I am happy to engage in this". Thus couples place in their profiles "We only play together". I know of spouses who are happy to simply watch their spouses engage in sexual activity with multiple partners. Men who are impotent or wives at menopause who have lost all interest in sex, but want their spouses to be sexually fulfilled are known to do this. There is the story of a Lay man at Wat Pa Nanachat whose wife had profound schizophrenia and thus could not fulfil the sexual aspect of marriage, who went every week to the local brothel. Everyone knew about it...including the monks and everyone was happy with the arrangement.

Polyamory is where there are multiple sexual and emotional partners who may or may not share the same address. I have come across a dizzying array of Polyamorous arrangements and they fail with about the same frequency as monogamous relationships...and for much the same reasons.

Thus we can see that the Third Training has a deeper quality to it than is commonly practised. The Third Training does not mean that we are obliged to only have sex in the missionary position, preferably with the lights out, the doona over our heads and a sense of shame because we are enjoying ourselves. Sex is deeply part of who I am. It's most likely why I never ordained. Sex is part of a healthy life and living without sex isn't leading a terribly healthy life.

I loudly and frequently enjoy sex and once the impossibly narrow interpretation of the Third Training is abandoned, there is much to enjoy. I mentioned in the previous blog entry that I am engaging in a great deal of experimentation at the moment...you can rest assured that I am exploring my sexuality as part of this. Does Selina know? Yes, she does and we discuss sex frequently and in our fantasy life explore scenarios and then discuss them and reflect upon how that fantasy made us feel. Because whilst this openness, honesty and discussion is happening, sexual misconduct is not.

Death & Metta

Death is certain. There is no possible way to escape death. Life has a definite inflexible limit. Each moment brings me closer to the finality of this lifetime. Death can come at any time.

The duration of this lifetime is uncertain. Many causes and circumstances can lead to death. The necessities of life such as food, clothes and transport can cause death. Even such a small thing as a thorn or splinter in my foot can cause death if the wound becomes infected.

Only the practice of Dhamma, by reducing the chances of rebirth in the lower realms of existence can help me at the time of death. Worldy posessions like wealth, social status and power are of no benefit to me at death. I am born with nothing and I will die with nothing. Relatives and friends cannot prevent my death. I am born alone and I will die alone. This body which I have cared for throughout this lifetime will be of no help at the time of death.

 "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
Steve Jobs

This is the main meditation I am using at the moment. I find meditating on death to bring a deep peace. As Steve Jobs says in the quotes above, death is a wonderful way of defining where the bullshit is in your life. Steve makes a deep sense, he states very clearly what is staring us all in the face..."We are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart". We are all one breath away from death. We build these mental fabrications in an attempt to ignore this chilling reality. We, in effect, build our own prisons.

I remember when I first encountered this meditation. It was in an Introduction to Meditation booklet my ex-wife had been given by her older sister. Within about 6 months I found that my list of priorities in life had inverted itself. Suddenly it was the relationships that mattered the most to me and not material things. In the last 22 years not a lot has changed.

These days I find that Death is useful in letting go of my recent past. I have found it very hard to let go of places like the Buddhist Society of Victoria and the "friends" I had there. Death enables me to embrace change and to see the change now happening in this lifetime as not only necessary, but deeply beautiful. I never was the person they thought me to be, and now am moving on and beyond that. Steve Jobs makes the most sense of anyone that I have known recently in Buddhism. Steve used the presence of death as a way of taking risks and to be utterly fearless. I'm taking this to heart and feel that the gentle age of 46 is the perfect time and place to engage in some fearlessness and wholesale change.

Whilst I'm not about to divulge all the gory details about my personal life, you can kind of guess from my tolerance of others sexuality and lifestyles that there is a fair bit of experimentation happening in my life at the moment. For the record: in regards to swinging, 3sums, group sex, homosexuality etc., my approach is that so long as everyone is informed and consenting and adults...where's the harm?  I've had Gay sex and will admit to finding some men sexually attractive. Drugs I tried a long time ago and simply found boring. Also the vast majority of drug users are simply wankers. 

The fearlessness is happening in the acceptance that I'm 46 for fucks sake! I shouldn't be asking for anyones acceptance or permission to be me.  Now I can wear a bracelet if I want or visit a Gay Sauna or eat lots of chilli for breakfast if I want to, and if people have a problem with me expressing myself...then fucking off is their best option.

I was in the habit of seeking approval from people...and to make it worse they were the sorts of people that now I wouldn't pee on if they caught on fire. I entered friendships with my tail between my legs and with a sad look in my eyes. Little wonder that people treated me the way they did. I was treated with appalling arrogance and dismissal. Never quite accepted as a real adult and was told quite bluntly that people knew more about my first marriage and its internal dynamics than I did, and that Selina was going to hurt me sooner rather than later and divorcing my ex would be the biggest mistake of the lifetime.

These days I'm in the habit of approaching people on a "take it or leave it" basis. You can accept I'm an Aspergers and thus will be different or you can fuck off! I don't much care what is thought of the 23 year and 7 month age difference between my wife and myself. Keep your opinions either civil or to yourself. Why should I accept your inadequacies when you aren't accepting of mine?

I am naked and I am following my dreams. Death enables me to cast aside pretences and to walk under the sky as the man I am. This is fearlessness. I will pursue the goals that make sense to me, for when the day comes that I am dying, it is my life that I have to be content with. Your opinion of it won't matter jack shit. Having lived with the opinions of others mattering deeply and having ended up utterly miserable, I now live by my own estimation of what I am doing.

Death enables all this.  

Aspergers & Buddhism

I was diagnosed/accepted as being an Aspergers in February. So in the midst of studying for a BA (Languages) and being a parent, I've managed to practice Metta.
What I am finding now that I can express myself as a apparently quite obvious Aspergers is that there is an inherent dichotomy in the way that Nypi's (Neuro typicals) practice Buddhism and the way that Aspies practice it.
For a start Aspies are free of the difference between what is preached and what is practiced. We naturally treat people with respect. Let me rephrase that. Aspies treat all people with respect, unless you happen to be what we consider foolish. We are remarkably tolerant of other peoples views and ways of being. Something we have noticed that Nypi's are not. Fools on the other hand are often bluntly told that we consider them wankers.
Aspies find it very hard to engage in the, how shall I phrase this, we aren't into the politics, clothes comparing, hypocrisy and bullshit that Buddhist groups engage in. When we decide to practice Buddhism and in my case Metta. We practice it without restraint. We take the instructions literally.  We wish all people the best. The grief strikes when this isn't reciprocated. Aspies find this very, very difficult. The instructions that go with Buddhism are incredibly straight forward.
Aspie's see what is taught in Buddhism and we mentally say "Oh, Fuck Yeah!"
Then you  Nypi's start fucking things up. You guys make the simple incredibily complicated.
Why is it you can't keep to what is taught?
It isn't that hard!
Why is it that you Nypi's will start playing politics where there shouldn't be any?
You turn B-u-d-d-h-i-s-m into w-a-n-k-e-r-i-s-m.
If I wanted politics I'd join the local branch of the Party! Party! Party! because since 1989 they've clearly been needing help.
What I have found is that with the way you Nypi's consistently fuck things up, is that I have quite loudly and literally said "Oh FUCK IT!!!" and begun practising by myself. This way I can meditate in the nude, blend Mahayana, Vajrayana, Sufi and more than a little moon watching in with my practice and because I happen to be wearing what may be considered a politically incorrect t-shirt at the time, I'm unlikely to start looking side ways at myself.  I have solid suspicions that an awful lot of Aspies have done the same and simply walked away on organised wankerism.
I'm an Aspie and this is my rant.

Walking the Path

Some time we just have to keep walking the Dhamma Path even when our meditation is boring or it seems that nothing is happening. Because I'm back at Uni now life is busy, so busy that I'm getting up at 4 a.m. in order to meditate and then study. It seems that nothing is happening in my meditation, but I know that this is wrong. I've had both a dose of gastroenteritus (courtesy of my son) and a molar removed in the last two weeks. I noticed a deeper patience than I've seen before. Also I'm just happier. The desire expressed in the recitation of "May I be free from anger. May I be happy, calm, gentle, patient, forgiving and full of this wonderful blissful Metta", ultimately leaks into your life away from the cushion.