Today is May 17. It is my sons FOURTH birthday. He is a noisy, chatty, frighteningly active little boy who I adore beyond all words.
Something else happened today. Today we ended our period of grieving for the pregnancy that would have been our daughter Soraya. Selina miscarried Soraya on March 7. We brought the material home and then cremated it about a week later in our backyard.
In the months since then we have filled a small (25 x 10 cm) white casserole pot with a small glass stupa, a glass image of Ganesh, a pink crystal Kwan Yin, a crucifix made from Grevillea robusta and some Bunya Nuts, a Saint Christopher medial and letters from us to the being who would have been Soraya or Orson and a lot of incense dust. We have taken our time to say goodbye to the person who we hoped would have been our daughter.
During this time I haven't really cleaned our altar. The flowers have been allowed to wither and incense dust to collect on the altar itself. The intention has been to create a sense and space of loss. We have allowed ourselves the space to say goodbye to Soraya. Whilst there is a sense of loss, there hasn't been a lot of grieving for this baby.
The ultrasound showing an empty embryonic sac and placenta
The reasons for this have been simple: the pregnancy was intensely moody and extremely hard work...to the point where we began to feel guilty that we weren't grieving for the loss of this baby. There was simply relief at the return of "normalacy", an absence of the tension that this pregnancy had brought with it. There was also the sense this wasn't the right time for Soraya to come. There was too much that needed to be done and she was going to blow a large hole in that "to do list".
There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Not every miscarriage is a tragedy. Sometimes the best thing to do is to lick your wounds and begin again with the lessons learnt. This is what we are doing. We are renewing the marriage that was so strained by Soraya, we are re-engaging with our fitness and beginning to explore Pilates.
The prepared urn for Soraya on our altar.
We are honouring the memory of the person who almost never was. Soraya was real. She was conceived and yet, as the ultrasound shows, by the time of the miscarriage...she had also left. We honour our daughter by taking the time to say goodbye and to renew and strengthen the very things that make our marriage work. We renew and strengthen our commitment to ourselves and each other by pursuing a proper diet and exercise, by practising Metta Tantra. We honour Soraya by never taking our eyes off our goals.
In about a month we will walk up the side of Mt Donna Buang using the Mt Victoria Trail and place Soraya, who will become Soraya1 near her brother Ariel1. Our final honouring of Soraya will be the exercise needed to place her in that grove.
Grieve not, honour her and us by being better people.
Oh, how beautifully written, Russell. I feel it, see it, hear it, sense it, all of it, through your writing. I take a big breath of air in and thank you for practicing this Metta, this compassion toward your almost little daughter, your dear wife, your boy, yourself and your larger world. Blessings from me to you and your family.
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