Thursday, 29 December 2011
In the almost four weeks that I've been in Asia I've been doing a fair bit of thinking...and dreaming.
I self identified as Theravada Buddhist for over 20 years....yep, the same amount of time, in fact a little more, that I was married to my ex-wife.
I have come to the conclusion that like myself and my ex, Theravada and I aren't something that naturally happens. I liked Theravada because it was stable and predictable...like her. I've ended up leaving for almost exactly the same reasons...I need colour and noise and to be utterly uninhibited in exploring. For me this is a time of profound personal growth. There is no crisis.
There is the acceptance that Theravada, like my ex, isn't me any more. I'm not the Theravada type, just like I ended up not being her type. I out grew them both. Whilst I like solitude and need it often, I'm naturally a loud person. My curiousity has reached the end of its tether in Theravada...it doesn't explore aspects of life that I want to. The Visuddhi Magga when it comes to generosity defines it almost exclusively in dollar terms. Metta is also shallow and no mention is ever given of using Metta in weight loss or fitness. The entire idea that parenting is a valid expression of Dhamma is utterly rejected....by people who have never done it. And yes, celibacy isn't me. I'm too sexual a person and have always been so.
Like my ex, Theravada wants to muzzle/gag me. My ex is a depressive and every thing was painted in shades of grey. Like my ex, Theravada insists that if I just tweak one more thing....every thing will be happy. My simple response these days is "Oh fuck this!" I want colour, depth, joy, passion, beauty. I don't want to be told where I can and can't explore. I have grown out of the need to just sit in the same orbit doing things that manifestly don't work for me.
So I am exploring, taking joy in a great bum or breasts. Getting my into beautiful shape physically, emotionally and as a person. Making myself into what I hope will be a shatteringly competent lover. Growth is happening and it is good.
Sunday, 25 December 2011
I have been giving a good amount of thought to my decision to use this trip to close a chapter of this life time and to open another. I am completely at ease with it and as time goes on am increasingly sure that it was the right decision to make. Things needed to change and the tension of having friendships where I got the impression that the other person thought I was a bit of a dill wasn't helping me at all. I will no longer have any friendships like that.
Whilst there are a lot of sexual images associated with Tantra, sex is always going to be just one component of the practise and the practise of Tantra is going to happen with Selina. She is my partner in this and will be the Shakti to my Shiva. So anyone expecting me to become orgiastic and solely concerned with sex is in for a disappointment. Deep pleasure and making sure that your sexual partner is completely satisfied is simply natural.
I am also removing a lot of barriers and will explore a lot of things on my return to Australia. Perhaps this is simply the Aspergers manifesting itself. I have to take everything to their logical ends in exploring them. This means that I will be making love with another man next year. No questions left unasked, no roads left unexplored.
I am in this as a way of deepening my practise of Brahma Vihara and Tantra is a much, much more holistic approach. We will be practising without a guru and that means that it will be Neotantra that we will practise. We will practise yoga in addition to Metta and the Brahma Vihara and pursue an active exercise regime of walking and weights. Books on aromatherapy, reflexology and massage are going to be added to our library as well as openly erotic art. We bought a linga in Pnom Penh.
The nice thing about the trip I'm on is the revamp of the wardrobe that is happening, also the leaning out is very welcome...my muscle tone is coming along nicely. But I'm eating a lot of fruit and small meals. Carrying Ariel is also good for my fitness.