Leaving Theravada

In the almost four weeks that I've been in Asia I've been doing a fair bit of thinking...and dreaming.
I self identified as Theravada Buddhist for over 20 years....yep, the same amount of time, in fact a little more, that I was married to my ex-wife.

I have come to the conclusion that like myself and my ex, Theravada and I aren't something that naturally happens. I liked Theravada because it was stable and predictable...like her. I've ended up leaving for almost exactly the same reasons...I need colour and noise and to be utterly uninhibited in exploring. For me this is a time of profound personal growth. There is no crisis.

There is the acceptance that Theravada, like my ex, isn't me any more. I'm not the Theravada type, just like I ended up not being her type. I out grew them both. Whilst I like solitude and need it often, I'm naturally a loud person. My curiousity has reached the end of its tether in Theravada...it doesn't explore aspects of life that I want to. The Visuddhi Magga when it comes to generosity defines it almost exclusively in dollar terms. Metta is also shallow and no mention is ever given of using Metta in weight loss or fitness. The entire idea that parenting is a valid expression of Dhamma is utterly rejected....by people who have never done it. And yes, celibacy isn't me. I'm too sexual a person and have always been so.

Like my ex, Theravada wants to muzzle/gag me. My ex is a depressive and every thing was painted in shades of grey. Like my ex, Theravada insists that if I just tweak one more thing....every thing will be happy. My simple response these days is "Oh fuck this!" I want colour, depth, joy, passion, beauty. I don't want to be told where I can and can't explore. I have grown out of the need to just sit in the same orbit doing things that manifestly don't work for me.

So I am exploring, taking joy in a great bum or breasts. Getting my into beautiful shape physically, emotionally and as a person. Making myself into what I hope will be a shatteringly competent lover. Growth is happening and it is good.