NeoTheravada

I have been dreaming. The dreams are regular and monotopical. They involve, in one way or the other the Buddhist Society of Victoria. As the links below show, not quite three years ago I left Traditional Theravada in a blaze of anger.
http://russelldunnepracticesmetta.blogspot.com.au/2011/11/apichato.html
http://russelldunnepracticesmetta.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/leaving-theravada.html

The dreams have been nudging me in the direction of a reconciliation with Traditional Theravada. Or perhaps, more precisely with the BSV and the past I have with it. Not surprisingly the need for reconciliation has been taking up increasing amounts of space in my meditation. So I have begun to explore what it is that I want to do with this growing need to put a past at ease.

I mean, in no way shape or form am I suited to Traditional Theravada. I'm too loud, too large a personality and my preference for wearing fire engine red jumpers certainly makes me stand out. Then there are the facts of my personal life: Selina and our age difference being perhaps the single largest cause of blanching by the good folk at the BSV. I'm also anything but sexually buttoned up.

There have been immense changes in me emotionally and intellectually. At the time of writing this I am just months away from completing a BA. I will be studying for Honours next year. In 2012, I came perilously close to death from Salmonella. Finally there has been being Ariels Dad.

The BA has completely rearranged how I think. And that seems to be the point of Tertiary education...they change how you think. I would say that because of this and because I have met every challenge that has been thrown at me and now know beyond doubt that I am at least as good as I have liked to think I am, there is now a lot less noise out of me and a lot more quiet confidence. I no longer need to be so noisy because where once I doubted myself, there is now knowledge. I really am amongst the best intellectually.

The screeching, shrieking Sidhe of not knowing what I am, are now silent. Aspergers has provided knowledge and a great deal of power as a result. I know there are things that are simply beyond my comprehension and a good deal of them involve social interactions. Where the compensation is is in the inherent love of routine which manifests itself as discipline. There is the fact that like it or not, I do approach life differently and this enables me to see things that others don't. It is a truism that Aspergians see things that NeuroTypicals don't and the reverse is also true. Because I know what I am, I can be a lot less in peoples faces. A likely outcome of this is that I am a lot less challenging to be near because I'm not forever pushing boundaries in search of answers as to why I am so different from those around me.

Salmonella I think needs no exploration. Having the shit kicked out of you health wise is pretty easy to understand.

Being Ariels Dad is more complex. It has involved a lot of personal growth. It has caused me to place myself in 2nd place in my life for the first time. It is also true that I have known what I think is described in the Metta Sutta as being "True Love". And then there are the million little things that make being a Dad so utterly fulfilling and so completely  life changing.

What is it I want from contact?
I think I'm seeking to touch base with just how deeply my life has changed. It is only in returning to where we come from that we can fully understand just how far we have come. The BSV was the centre of my social life for almost 20 years. And it was where I learnt my Traditional Theravada. I am not ready to apologise or otherwise make amends for the insult and outrage I caused...and which led me to possibly being the only person being expelled. Nor do I want to return to being a member. As I wrote at the beginning of this entry, I'm not a natural fit for Traditional Theravada. I also simply lack the time and or interest to become involved.

I have moved to the point where I can appreciate that the BSV, its membership and the majority of Theravadin monastics are, at least, trying to be nice people and to make a difference in the world. This may not sound like much, but as you can read, it is a major step from where I was 3 years ago.

So contact will be about me placing people inside my head, contextualising them. I have rehearsed first contact endlessly in my head. I feel it is important that I know exactly what I want and what my own rules of engagement will be. So I can see questions being asked about my personal life including my ex-wife, Seesee. My personal life is the one area I simply won't answer questions on. I can see assumptions being made over what I have been doing with myself and that I am still a gardener. I must remember that this is natural for them and that it was a response to someone who is now simply a memory. The other version of me, the one they last met, had a need for their approval, their affirmation. This version doesn't.

It will be interesting to see the reaction to how I've changed. I'm told that everything including my accent has changed. Apparently I now have an "educated accent" and mumble a lot less.

Contact has been interesting. I have found a willingness to contribute my gardening skills at the Newbury Monastery...and that is as far as it goes. Next year I will be insanely busy with the birth of twins in April and an Honours year. The need to do much more than help reforest the property and to fireproof the gardens isn't there.

I had contact with Cora Thomas and found her simply weird. She confirmed the changes in me by needing to ask if I was who she thought I was.

For now, the contact has lessened the dreams.